


baby, you could be the death of me

by manchestereye (orphan_account)



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Enemies to Lovers, M/M, Spy!AU, Trans Male Character, both of them are trans it's just not mentioned, brooklyn 99 inspired this, they're in New York
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-02
Updated: 2019-08-02
Packaged: 2020-07-29 06:57:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,360
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20078035
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/manchestereye
Summary: "don't make this weird, idiot. stop looking at my ass when we crawl."dan and phil are detectives who "hate" each other.or, b99 au (kinda) and dnp are sarcastic little shits that spiraled a rivalry over some misunderstandings.





	baby, you could be the death of me

**Author's Note:**

> title from death of me by pvris
> 
> honestly i don't know what i was on while writing this fic i was just having a lovely time watching tv and then i decided to speed write this thing
> 
> (i should probably stop though bc i need sleep)

people around the precinct wonder how dan and phil manage to be detective partners even though they don’t like each other very much.

the answer? they don’t.

they’re always bickering, and they’ve begged their boss to make them work separately already. however, police chief louise isn’t easily swayed.

it’s a stupid reason for why they’re constantly bickering. when it was phil’s first day of work, dan didn’t hold the elevator open for him. later on, they just spouted mean things at each other until louise breaks it up and tells them that they’re partners now.

dan’s best friend pj thinks that if he just tries apologizing and being nice to phil, things will be easier. dan just laughs at him and tells him he’s crazy, even though he knows that pj is probably right. he just doesn’t wanna swallow his pride.

dan doesn’t like waiting for people, especially not phil. phil was supposed to be at the library for their stake out half an hour ago, but he’s not here yet.

he knows he’s not in the wrong spot. he can see his suspect looking at a book about frogs right now. so where the hell is phil?

dan calls him.

“where the hell are you?” 

jinx.

“at the library. where are you?!” dan whispers in an angry tone.

“also at the library. i’ve been here for an hour already!” 

dan scoffs. “well i see our target here, but not you. it’s the one near madison square.”

he could hear phil sighing on the other end. 

“shit. i’m at the other branch.” phil continues with a plan on what to do before he gets there, and dan rolls his eyes because he can take care of himself without a detective partner.

“great, so we’re on the same page?” phil asks, breaking dan out of his trance.

“same page? we aren’t even in the same damn library!”

-

“humanity sure does know a lot. we know that everything is made of atoms, we know that planets revolve around the sun. we also know that phil lester is an idiot!” dan complains to pj during lunch later that afternoon.

“dan, i think you’re overreacting.”

he just gives pj a glare.

“anyways, why do you have to be an admin assistant? you’d definitely be good at joining me on cases.” dan complains.

pj sighs. it’s not the first time he’s had this conversation.

“i’ve told you before, i’d rather keep myself alive doing behind the scenes stuff. you’re the one who’s looking for act-” 

“oh, for fucks sake!” dan yells.

pj gives him a confused look, and dan motions over to his right. phil lester is sitting there, about to eat his own lunch.

pj just facepalms. it feels like he’s taking care of a toddler.

“all i want is to eat my lunch in peace! 30 minutes! that’s all i ask for!” dan says, in a hushed tone.

sometimes pj wonders why dan talks about phil so much, considering that he hates him. pj hates his ex best friend from high school but it’s not like he talks about him all the time. it’s not as if dan likes phi- oh shit.

dan likes phil.

he’s going off on another tangent, and pj is just sitting there with a cocky grin.

“what’s so fucking funny, huh liguori?”

“you like him.”

dan turns bright red. “no i don’t!”

“admit it! you have feelings for him!”

“uh, yeah, feelings of HATRED.” dan scoffs.

pj smirks. “whatever you say, danny boy.”

-

_ “pj’s right,”  _ dan thinks.

dan’s always found phil to be attractive. especially once he got rid of that 2005 emo scene haircut. it brought out phil’s weirdly coloured eyes.

he likes the way phil thinks. phil makes it easier to apprehend their targets. maybe that’s why louise always makes them partners for stakeouts.

when phil isn’t in uniform, he’s always wearing some sort of anime t-shirt, and dan loves anime! the assorted figures on his desk prove it. honestly, why didn’t pj say anything earlier? they could've probably avoided all of this yelling and bickering.

dan realizes why he’s never liked phil the next morning. he blames pj for getting to his head and thinking otherwise.

they’re not on stakeout that day, they’re typing reports at their desks. phil’s playing britney spears without headphones and although dan would appreciate it any other time, he keeps messing up because  _ phil’s singing along  _ and dan can’t focus.

“can you keep it down? i’m trying to think.” dan says, not turning around to face phil.

“don’t worry, doing anything for the first time is difficult.”

phil’s just pushing buttons at this point.

“sometimes, the things you say just leave me speechless.”

“that’s great. it means no one will argue with me.” phil laughs.

dan doesn’t bother complaining anymore.

phil leaves the room temporarily for a bathroom break, and dan throws a paper airplane at him when he comes back.

except it misses, and phil just laughs at him.

“missed me, missed me, now you’ve got to kiss me!” phil giggles.

“alright then.” dan shrugs, stepping closer. he doesn’t like phil in the slightest, phil is just being an immature little shit.

_ “sure dan, keep telling yourself that.” _

“wait, no!”

dan just steps away and smirks.

-

their next case is a difficult one.

they have to get into a drug dealer’s hideout and bust them. the dealer is armed, so dan and phil have to be careful.

unfortunately, they’re stuck in some vents right now, too close for comfort. dan can feel phil staring at him.

“don’t make this weird, idiot. stop looking at my ass when we crawl.”

phil just blushes and looks away.

dan can hear the dealer and a few other people, so he follows the sound until he can find an opening where he can jump down and catch them in the act. 

he jumps down.

“freeze! NYPD! you’re under arrest!” dan yells. 

they’re running away now, and before dan can catch up, someone shoots him in the leg and in the chest. dan’s wearing a bulletproof vest, he’s not stupid.

phil jumps down and runs after them. he’s luckily able to handcuff them and pass them off to another detective waiting behind the building. 

“are you okay?” phil asks when he goes back to where dan was left.

“the fact that i am on the ground means nothing.”

“and i suppose the fact that you’re also bleeding means nothing.”

dan would have found it funny if his leg wasn’t in so much pain.

he hisses.

“you’ll be okay, there’s an ambulance on the way.” phil says.

there’s a moment of silence between them before dan speaks up again.

“hey phil?”

phil looks at him. “yeah?”

“i, uh, actually kinda like you.” dan laughs.

“and you wait until now to tell me?” 

dan just smiles at him.

-

“dan! are you alright?! i thought you died!” pj says when he gets into the hospital room.

“gee, i guess we’re both disappointed.” dan says.

pj punches him the arm.

they talk for a little bit, but pj leaves when phil arrives.

“what are you doing here? i thought you didn’t like me?” 

“and i thought you didn’t like me but we all learn something new.” phil laughs.

dan’s looking at phil while he sits down in the chair next to him.

“did you really mean it when you said you liked me back there?” phil asks.

dan turns red.

“yeah. i mean, i like that you’re a good detective. your taste in anime is pretty nice,”

“and you have really pretty eyes.” dan mumbles.

“what was that?” phil asks.

“y-you have pretty eyes.” dan stutters.

phil kisses him, and dan could feel the butterflies in his stomach as if he was a teenager again.

“for the record, i like you too. i just thought you hated me and that’s why i just yelled at you all the time.”

“oh, god, we’re both idiots, huh?” dan laughs.

phil laughs with him.

“what are you doing on friday?” he asks.

“i don’t even know what i’m doing for dinner.”

“let me take you out.”

dan grins. “friday it is.”

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading
> 
> tumblr: fearoftryinq  
twitter: twotonques


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